Weekend at Mikes
by The EB's
Summary: Twilight/Weekend at Bernies Crossover. What happens when best friends Edward & Bella discover someone has been embezzeling money from their company. They're boss Mike invites them to his beach house for the weekend.. only arriving to discover him dead.
1. Chapter 1

**We do not own Twilight.**

**A/N: This chapter was written by Domestica.**

**A Twilight / Weekend at Bernies cross over. Bella & Edward are best friends who discover someone has been embezzeling money from their company, when they inform their boss Mike Newton he invites them to his Beach House for a weekend of R&R as a reward. Arriving only to discover their boss has been murdered, Edward and Bella do the only thing they can think of.. pretend Mike is still Alive. **

**Becuase Mike Newton is just so much funnier dead.**

**Chapter 1.**

It was a warm day in the crowded New York office that Edward and Bella worked in. The tiny television in the corner of the break room provided some random background noise while they both waited desperately for the coffee to be ready.

Ding! Finally!

"Ah shit!" said Edward.

In his excitement for his morning fix he managed to spill some flaming coffee on his brand new pair of khaki pants. Bella snickered quietly; grabbing the pot and pouring some in her own mug.

"I hate this job so hard. Did you know that the boss man is off in his home in the Hamptons right this minute??" asked Bella as they sat at the little round table pushed up against the empty soda machine.

Edward let out a long sigh and suggests they just get back to work to keep their mind off their own misery. It was going to be a long day. Especially with their supervisor, Rosalie, busting everyone's bowls because apparently she had some condition that kept her from conceiving with her husband. Rosalie definitely over shared her problems. She was especially cruel to Angela, five months swollen.

As the day carried on Edward stumbled upon a problem in the accounting reports that he was provided with every week. He had to tell his BFF Bella about this bizarre problem and that they should take it to boss man Mike hoping they would be rewarded with finding out that over the course of ten years at least two million dollars had gone unrecorded. They would have to wait till he got back from his vacation though.

He should be back tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

**We do not own Twilight.**

**A/N: This chapter was written by Scarlett.**

**Chapter 2.**

Mike sauntered into the main office ignoring the entire work force and headed straight for his over sized; over mahoganied private office. Edward looked around for Bella, giving her a nod that it was time to bring the corrupt information they had found to Mike's attention. They approached Mike's office, giving the door a light knock before entering. Mike was sat at his desk organising his Cuban cigars not paying attention to the intrusion.

Edward cleared his throat. "Mr. Newton, we have uhm, found some discrepancies within the year end accounts we felt it should be brought to your attention immediately." Edward gave Bella an excited smile.

"Yes, it appears there is 2 million dollars not accounted for, it seems to span over a 10 year period Sir, and it looks like some serious embezzlement has been going on right under noses Mr. Newton." Bella continued in a no nonsense fashion.  
Mike looked up at the two of them, and stared briefly his mouth pulled back in straight line. He put down his cigar and cutter and rose from his desk. He headed towards the drinks cabinet behind Edward and Bell. "Do you know who it is that may have been embezzling the money?" Mike poured himself a large brandy waiting for reply.

"No Sir, that's the thing it could be anyone... who ever did it was very clever with covering their tracks...but I believe with a little further digging we could trace the missing money back to the culprit! Both Bella and I would be delighted to assist you in anyway we can with this Sir." Edward began to nudge Bella excitedly, counting the bonus he was likely to get if he uncovered the thief.

"Excellent work you two!" Mike broke into a smile and swung his arms around each of their shoulders... "How about a brandy? I tell you what, I would love for you two to work on this for me; we can't have a thief in our midst! How would you two like to come to my beach house in Miami this weekend... you can bring your evidence with you and we can work on the figures together, how's that sound? Not mention a little R&R huh?" Mike raised his brows excitedly hugging each of them before heading back to his desk. "Just give the details to Esme my secretary and she will plan your travel arrangements for you and get you their safely; now back to work and I shall see you Saturday morning."

Edward looked at Bella wide eyed like he was about to explode with excitement. They left the office excitedly muttering as they headed back to their desks.

Mike looked through his office window, making sure no one was in ear shot he pulled out his cell and dialed.

"We have a problem... two very big problems in fact... problems that needs dealt with immediately!"

Mike snapped shut his cell and glared into the open office space from his window.


	3. Chapter 3

**We do not own twilight.. and we wish we owned Weekend at Bernies.**

**Weekend at Mikes **

**Chapter 3 **

**Authors – Domestica & Scarlett**

"Oh my god!" Edward shrieked in Bella's bedroom door. "You're not up yet?! The ferry leaves in half an hour! Get up, woman!!"

Bella, the deep sleeper that she was, flipped Edward the finger and she shoved her face further under her pillow.

"Bella, god damnit." He murmured while throwing random clothes in her suitcase. He didn't care what he was grabbing at, as long as it was full. Fur coat? Fine. Red leather pants? Fine. Tan sequence stilettos? Fine. Head of a chicken costume? Whatever. Just throw it all in there. Soon after he swiped the top of her dresser knocking most of everything on top of it into her second bag. Brush. Face creams. Turtle aquarium.

"Ok, Bella I got all your shit. Let's go!" He yelled as he pulled up one side of the mattress so she would slip off the other end.

"Alright alright" Bella said. "Let me just brush my teeth."  
"NO! No time!"

"Fuck you, Edward." Bella said foaming at the mouth with toothpaste. "Ok. Let's go!"  
By the time they ran down the steps of their apartment a taxi was already waiting. Edward shoved their stuff in the car then pushed Bella out of the way in order to ride in the front seat. Edward gave the cab driver their destination, then an extra twenty dollars if he could get them there in under ten minutes.

As they drove up to where a ferry was docked Edward panicked at the sound of its engine roaring and the standing passengers. They were taking off!

"Hurry!" Edward yelled as he jumped out of the car and head for the bags. "If we run we can jump on board!" He swung two of the bags around his neck and the other two draped across his shoulder.  
_WHY is he wearing that stupid Hawaiian shirt_ Bella thought as walked behind him with the briefcase with all of their information.

As Edward jumped at the moving ferry Bella waited to see the outcome. Just then a ferry at the other end sounded their horn-five minute warning.

"Edward, that's the wrong boat! Get back over here!" Bella yelled.

Edward, devastated by the humiliation of jumping on the wrong boat filled his face with a bright red color. He waited in line to get off the boat with the rest of the passengers looking as if he had his tail between his legs.

Both he and Bella walked calmly to the right ferry, Edward not speaking a word the entire way.

Mike was already on the island giving direct orders to his goon.  
_Those two idiots won't know what hit them._

Mike sat back in his chair watching the goons leave the restaurant, relieved to know that this little inconvenience would be taken care of for good in a matter of hours. He took a swig of his whiskey and then lit a cigar as he grabbed his Miami Vice/shell suit style jacket and headed back to his beach house feeling very smug.

As he approached the stairs leading to his porch, he saw someone there.

_Jessica... that whore is here again? _

"Hello Michael, thought your little sugar stick might like some dream topping tonight?" Jessica cooed.

_Jesus what a mess, her face looks like someone lit it on fire and tried to put it out with a fork... and the only thing her topping tastes like is battery acid._

"I uhm.. sure why not come on in hot lips" _Might as well celebrate solving my little problem with a bang. She does fuck like it's her last day on earth even is she's not much to look at, that's what the light switch is for. _

Mike's smug grin grew bigger as they entered the house and made their way to the bar, pouring them both a scotch. After a couple of drinks they made their way upstairs to Mike's bedroom.

20 minutes later Jessica was gone. Mike still lay in bed his khaki underpants at his ankles and his shell suit jacket still on. He felt incredible he had managed to jackrabbit Jessica for a good 5 minutes before exploding his dream topping all over her unusually large belly button. It had looked like a puddle. He spent the 10 minutes after that watching Jess the Mess clean it off with her own dress. Life was good. As he lay contemplating how fucking incredible he was in bed, he began to drift off into a blissful sleep.

Downstairs two men entered the backdoor, they moved slowly through the house searching. They reached the bottom of the stairs hearing slight snores. The first man nodded to the other and indicted to go upstairs. They crept slowly not allowing themselves to make the slightest noise. As they reached Mike's room they found the door ajar. Pushing it open they were met with the sorry sight of Mike Newton laying on his bed his bottom half still naked. The two men eyed each other as if they wanted to burst out laughing but continued on in silence as they made their way over. One of them grabbed Mike's shoulders while the other one injected Mike in the neck with a long syringe.

"How long before it kicks in?" the first one said.

The second one put the syringe in his bag and removed his balaclava, he went over and checked Mikes pulse. "He's dead. It's done. He's gone... looks at the sorry bastard.. what a pathetic mess."

"What are we going to do about those two idiots from his office?"

"If they are actually dumb enough to show up here, we will have to take them out too, so get your shit ready... we have a long weekend ahead of us."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 **

**By Domestica**

Edward and Bella made the ferry trip in one piece and were now headed to Mike's beach house. While Bella sat cool and calm in the car Edward was bouncing all over his seat asking inane questions about how it must be to live right on the beach (although the constant direct sunsets might make his life a living hell). Thank god for the giant woman's beach hat he picked up at Kmart last night. As they pulled up to the house Edward struggled with the bags once more and practically ran to the front door jamming the door bell repeatedly. It was a surprise he didn't have a giant lollipop and wearing brightly colored suspenders.

"God Edward, stop! He's going to think we're a couple of lame asses with you acting like this. Mr. Newton smokes cigars and drives a DeLorean! We need to act cool, alright??" Bella hissed.

Edward obeyed and tried to resist yet another constant urge of ringing the doorbell once more.  
"Where is he? We've been out here for like three minutes already. His house isn't THAT big. I mean it's gotta take less than maybe two and a half to reach the door, right?" huffed Edward.

"Oh my god, Edward. Shut the fuck up please." Bella said. She couldn't take waiting out in the heat anymore and decided to attempt to solve this problem. She tried opening the front door but it was locked up tight. Out of sheer desperation she went around to the back door and found that the goons had left it unlocked when they left.

"He must be out for now. Probably playing golf or boat shopping or some other rich people shit. We should just go up to our rooms. He might have cameras. I don't think I could handle the embarrassment of getting caught snooping around the boss' house." said Bella.

"Yeah, you're right." Edward reluctantly agreed. The perks of being an unthreatening vampire was the rapid snooping you could do to an entire house in under three minutes (only around 45 seconds for Bella's) and the thought of being unable to snoop around this one was killing him. As they made their way up the tacky glass staircase Bella called the room with the large bathroom and waterbed. Edward was too busy looking at giant paintings of brightly colored circles he didn't understand to realize he got stick with the smaller bedroom with what appeared to be teenage girl decor including a tiny princess bed and giant furry purple pillows. After Bella got out of the shower to wash off the stench of failure from this morning's occurrences she opened her suitcase with the intent of finding her favorite pair of khaki shorts, sensible sandals and button up blouse but instead all she could find was a slew of unflattering clothing wadded up in her bags.

"Edward! What the fuck is this?!" Bella yelled.

Edward, sensing Bella's anger at his inane packing skills, closed his bedroom door and locked himself in the closet. He knew Bella was a girl but she was never opposed to peen-kicking. _Don't find me. Don't find me. Don't find me. Oh my god what's tickling my leg..._Edward looked down to see a furry white mouse scurrying across the closet floor. _Thank god, I'm starving._

After Bella could hear what seemed to be Edward's balls shrinking and curling up inside his stomach she decided it was best to make him squirm in anticipation of what would be a twisted game of hide and seek that would end in, yes, another swift kick to his crotch for being such a dumbass. Besides, why did she even have any of this to begin with?? Oh right...Alice. What a fucking wannabe. Yeah, Paris Hilton tries making a detachable rooster chin cool once but we all know Alice!--she's gotta be the first one to have it.

_What the fuck am I going to wear??? Well..What do we have here...I guess this will have to do?_  
Once Bella finished dressing herself in an unused pair of skinny leather pants, an oversized shirt with a picture of kittens playing in a basket of yarn she had gotten from Charlie last Christmas and what appeared to be two different colored flip-flops she made her way to Edward's room. She figured he was stuck in that tiny closet long enough. _WHY didn't I wash any clothes before this trip...?_

"Edward! Let's go get a drink somewhere." Bella yelled straight at Edward's bedroom door.  
_Sweet. Maybe Bella will take her top off again like last time and now I can finally wash down this mouse blood. The clean ones always taste the worse._ Edward opened the closet door and manoeuvred his way out.

"Ok! Let's g- FUCK BELLA!" Before Edward could give her an answer Bella managed to give him that kick she promised and had him rolling on the floor in minutes, although it was no treat for her either. Kicking his peen was like kicking a brick wall but it was always worth it (however this time she was in flip-flops instead of her usual steel-toe rain boots but whatever).

_Christ, were those the best clothes Bella could find in that suitcase? Maybe I really did deserve that kick..._ Finally Edward was on his feet and they were walking down the stairs. Bella caught a glimpse of herself once more in Mr. Newton's mirrored walls and slapped Edward across the face for doing this to her. They closed the door swiftly behind them as Mike Newton's corpse laid untouched and unnoticed in his downstairs office with the door shut.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **Firstly sorry for the huuuuuuuuuge delay I have been somewhat busy getting the EB site up and running which it now is! So come visit us here: .com for all your Twi News! We also now have a gallery for Twi Art _(which you can submit your own!) _and a forum if you want to come over and chat!

This chapter goes out to Dom! Also to late shifters Cherry, Sher and Spiff – you'll see why *wink*

**Chapter 5 **

**Scar Scar **

Bella sat at the table sipping a gin and tonic while flicking through what seemed like a never ending list of karaoke songs. As she contemplated on what to sing, Edward was at the bar looking out of place.

She knew he had a thing for her; he had since the day they met. He passed it off as friendship but deep down Bella knew he wanted her and she wanted him just as much. She had never been with a human let alone a vampire; but had taken it upon herself to watch countless amounts of porn in order to be prepared – All vampire specific. _Lost Toys, Bram Pok'ers Dracula, Cuffy the Vampire Layer, Fuck Night 1 & 2, 30 Days of Right... among others... _

This was her chance. It was imperative she chose the correct song to woo him in; her beautifully deep voice would sing to him like a thousand volts straight to his stone cold sparkly heart and jolt him to life.

_What to sing... there is so much to choose from... _Bella thought to herself. _ Whitney Houston... No... Diana Ross... No... Mariah- I can't live if living is without you.... OMG YES! He will never guess! Then he will love me and I will get to see his long beautiful.... _

BANG! Bella was broken from her thoughts as Edward slammed 2 beer bottles on the table, one for her one for show. She could feel her face burning up with embarrassment at her naughty thoughts.

"Hey Bells, some queue at that bar, here's your shot... uhm why is your face all red?" Edward quizzed.

_Oh crap what do I say? What do I say? uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhmmmmm...._

"Oh I have face thrush it gets red and itchy and uhm... "WHY_ THE FUCK DID I SAY THAT?!?!?!! *panics* _

"I see, what's face thrush?"

"It's like herpes only worse... kinda... uhm..." _OMG I CANNOT SHUT UP! This must be what happens when you admit your own feelings... _"I'm going to put my name up for a song... be right back... here you look through this.." Bella threw the karaoke song list in Edwards face and made a beeline for the bar.

As she approached the bar she realised it was surprisingly empty. _ What is that sparkle stick talking about no one is here? _Bella dismissed it and ordered a line up of various shots, slamming each one back washing away her embarrassing comments to Edward. After several more rounds of Dutch courage she handed her slip into the DJ before heading back to her table.

"And next up we have Edward Cullen..." The DJ announced as Bella sat down with yet another drink in her hand.

Edward stepped up on the mini platform that was to look like a stage. His perfect voice belted out the notes to the 80s cheese fest that was The Bangles 'Eternal Flame'. A creepy song about stalking and watching people sleep. Bella shuddered and rolled her eyes when he hit high notes, ordering yet another round of shots.

As Edward finished up his song he gave Bella a smile and a slight wink but she completely missed it. The shots were now well and truly in her system and the only thing her eyes were capable of doing was making the furniture move on its own.

Bella's name was called to sing next.

Bella tried to stand, falling off her chair she began clambering up to the stag, she tried to hi-five Edward on the way, completely missing his hand and then subsequently hitting the deck. When she finally made it she grabbed the mic aggressively and shouted to the DJ to 'hit it'.

And the nightmare began. Edward shrank back into his chair; the expression on his face can only be described as that of a bunt up cabbage patch kid. As much as he loved Bella this was painful, her manly deep _yet sweet_ voice trying to belt out Mariah Carey was not pleasing to his animal quality hearing. He betted there were cats, dogs and rodents alike just keeling over in the streets right now.

People began to boo. This was not good. Bella noticed and started screaming down the mic at them to fuck off. She had turned into that drunken uncle that ruins weddings.

Time to go.

Edward ran to the stag, grabbing Bella quickly before she realised what the hell he was doing, once outside it was super speed all the way to the beach.

Bad Idea.

As he put Bella down he realised she had thrown up on herself several times. So he did the only thing he could think of... he chucked her in the ocean.

Bella screamed, it wasn't high pitched she didn't have the octaves. It was more like the sound of walrus mating call. Edward fell on the sand laughing his ass off as Bella thrashed about the ocean looking like a shark attack victim.

He eventually went and got her, finding her somewhat sober legs they made their way back to Mikes house.

Once they got inside the full realisation of the night was hitting Bella, she was still pretty drunk but she knew tomorrow she would want curl up and die. Edward had left her in the sitting room while he went to get her a towel to dry off.

"Edward, is there a shower down here?" Bella began to snoop about the rooms.

Edward back with a towel began to help. They found closets and a utility room before they came across Mike's office.

"Ooooo the office I wonder what treasure's we'll find in here..." Bella giggled making her way over to the desk.

The chair was turned the wrong way, she drunkenly swivelled it around to reveal Mike sitting there with a smile on his face.

"IT'S MIKE!! Hey Mike, where do ya keep your liqueur? Helloooooo Mike...... Anyone home?" Bella waved her hand over his face and began laughing.

Edward stood stiff as board. He approached Mike cautiously poking his arm to see if he would move.

"Bella... I think Mike is dead." Edward said.

"BAHAHAHA Oh Eddie, he's not dead look..." Bella gave Mike a hard punch in the arm causing Mike to slip sideways in his chair and his hair piece to fall off. "Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahhahahhaha OH MY GOD!! I didn't know Mike wore a hair piece?!" Bella was screaming with delight at the funny discovery. Picking up the hair peice she positioned it over various areas of her body giggling away to herself.

"BELLA WILL YOU GET A GRIP! MIKE IS DEAD!"

"Oh Edward stop so over dramatic.. Look I will put it back." Bella put the hair piece back on Mike but it kept falling off. Looking for a solution she noticed a stapler on his desk.

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" Edward yelled interpreting her next move.

"If he's dead he won't feel it." Bella retorted and stapled the hair piece on Mikes head before Edward could stop her. "There all better! Aren't ya Mike? You're all better." Bella nodded her head and Mikes for him.

"I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW BELLA! I JUST... " Edward stormed out of the room to call his family for advice on how to deal with your dead boss.

Leaving a drunken Bella playing puppeteer with Mike.


End file.
